A Doctor Who Fan Fiction

Please Note: This is a Fan Fiction. I do not own the rights to any of the characters in the parody.

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As we all know, the TARDIS is able to locate anyone in the space/time continuum.  She just doesn’t always understand exactly which person you require, when the universe is so large and exists for so long.  So when the Doctor said, “We need Captain Jack,” well…the TARDIS did her best.

The Doctor walked out the door, and had a good look around at his surroundings.  It was a big, white beach.  The sea was a brilliant turquoise blue, and there were palm trees lazing above the high tide mark.  He grinned, his hands thrust into the pockets of his overcoat.

“Well.  Yes.  It does seem the sort of place that Jack would like.  Lots of sunshine … probably lots of nubile young bodies in need of sunscreen.”  He spun to face the trees.  “Not a lot of civilisation, though.”

He reached out and patted the TARDIS.  “Well, old girl.  Where have you brought us?”

“Hello!” came a voice from the trees.  “Oh, hello!  Can you help a poor castaway who is down on his luck?”

From beneath the palms, out staggered a pirate!

The gentleman was obviously rascally drunk, as he laboured his erratic way towards the TARDIS and the Doctor.  He looked an interesting fellow, with various mementoes braided into his dreadlocks, and his sword hand was armed with a rum bottle.  His teeth were very white against the tan of his face.  As he drew even with the Doctor, he scanned the horizon.  “Well, where’s your ship then?”

“Ah. Well,” said the Doctor.  “I don’t have a sailing ship, as such.”

“You don’t?  What a shame,” said Captain Jack Sparrow.  “Never you mind.  There’s bound to be one along soon.”  He peered at the ocean for a long moment, and then appeared to be surprised by the bottle he was clutching.  “I have lots of rum.  Would you like some?  Mister…  Mister…  Who are you, anyway?”

“Oh, I’m the Doctor.”

“Doctor Who?”

“Just the Doctor,” insisted the Doctor.  He held out his hand.

Jack stared at his hand, and then remembered he should shake it.  He swapped his bottle to his left hand, and grasped the Doctor’s hand.  “Good. Good. (pause) Good. Good. Good.  It’s capital to have a doctor around.  I feel rather ill in the mornings.  Don’t know why.  I make sure I get enough liquids in this terrible heat.”

He took a long swig of rum, and then held the bottle out in a friendly matter.

The Doctor took the bottle and gingerly took a sniff.  His eyes watered and his nose hairs cringed into foetal balls.  “No.  Thank you for your kind offer, but no.”  He smiled winningly, and Jack smiled back. The Doctor said, “So. You’re a castaway?  What’s your name, then?”

“Captain Jack Sparrow!” said Jack, taking the classic pirate stance of feet apart and fists resting on his hips.  He held it for a second, and then stumbled as his balance faltered.  “You’ll have heard of me.”

“Do you know, I have,” declared the Doctor.  He glanced at the TARDIS, and patted her affectionately.  “Close, but no banana, old girl,” he muttered under his breath.  He turned back to Jack.  “Well, then.  Captain Jack, since you’re castaway on this island, can I offer you a lift somewhere?”

“Kind of you to offer…but with what?  Your big blue trunk?  I don’t think we’d get very far.”

The Doctor took Jack’s arm, and led him up to the door of the TARDIS.

“Do you know, I think I might be able to surprise you there,” said the Doctor.

Jack wasn’t terribly surprised by the interior of the TARDIS.  “Wow,” he said, trying to walk a straight line.  “That’s clever, how you’ve managed to arrange your furniture so it looks so big on the inside.  Got anything to drink?”

“No rum, I’m afraid,” said the Doctor.  He spun wheels and pushed buttons as he spoke.  “But I could offer you a nice cup of tea.”

Jack grimaced.  “Never touch the stuff.”  He took another mouthful of rum, and he lurched as the TARDIS landed at a new location.  “Great kick,” he commented to no one in particular.

When the doors were open, they no longer framed a sun-smitten ocean and coral sand.  Instead, there was a brick wall, heavily decorated with graffiti.

“That’s more like it,” said the Doctor.  He grinned at Jack.  The pirate was looking at the wall, bemused.

“Who took away the island?” asked Jack.  “All my rum supply is there.”

The Doctor put his arm around Jack’s shoulders, to steady the pirate.  “I’ll buy you a drink,” said the timelord.

“That’s very decent of you,” muttered Jack.  “Y’know, I could have sworn there was an island around here, just a moment ago.

Captain Jack Harkness was in love.  Again.

Fox Mulder was the man of his dreams, tall, dark, passionate.  And he was a snappy dresser.  Jack had hoped for a threesome including Fox’s partner, the crisp Doctor Scully, but Dana had proved to be an uptight Catholic girl.  So, Jack Harkness had managed to shuffle Dana off to the library, and was now having an intimate counter lunch with the FBI agent.

Jack was just explaining his theory that inside of every straight person was a bisexual beast needing to be released, when the Doctor and some scruffy guy in fancy dress walked into the pub.  Jack’s heart skipped a beat.

“Don’t look now, Fox,” he said, “But I can introduce you to a real live alien if you’d like.”

Mulder glanced up the couple that were making their way to the bar.

“What?  Which one?  I’d put my money on the guy who looks like he’d need a two hour bath just to be called grubby.”

“Don’t be catty.  And you’re wrong.  It is the rather dishy guy with the British accent.”

“Looks human to me.”

Jack flashed his superhero grin.  “Humanoid.  He has two hearts.”

Mulder brightened, intensely interested, and grinned back.  “Really?”

Jack sighed.  “Now you’re aroused?  I would have told you I was from Algernon Three if I had known you’d get this excited.”  He waved his arm and shouted, “Doctor.  Over here.”

The Doctor heard his name and looked around.  When he caught sight of Jack Harkness, he beamed.  “Jack!  Wonderful.  I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

“What?” said Captain Jack Sparrow.  “You’ve found me.”

“No. No. Not you, Jack .  My other friend, Captain Jack Harkness.”

“What.  You mean there’s more than one of me?”

The Doctor picked up two glasses of beer, and turned to the pirate.  “Oh Jack.  There is only one of you, believe me.  But Jack is a common name, you know.  This other Jack is a good friend of mine.”

“Does he like a drink?”

“Yes.”

“Will he buy me one?”

“Certainly.”

“Not tea?”

“Not tea,” agreed the Doctor.

“Good,” said Captain Jack Sparrow, with a gracious flip of his hat.  “Let’s go then and meet with your good friend, the other Jack.”

Soon, all four men were seated around the table.  Harkness made sure he was sitting between the Doctor and Mulder.  He would only have been happier if the table had suddenly become a hot tub.

“So.  New Companion?” asked Jack Harkness, after the introductions had been made.

The Doctor took a sip of beer, and shook his head.  “No.  Just a fellow traveller in need of a lift.”

“Time traveller?”

“Yep.”

“Pirate?”

“Yep.”

Jack Harkness studied Jack Sparrow.  “Nice cheekbones.  He could be cute under all that hair.”

Mulder interrupted.  “There’s no way that man is a real pirate.  He’s just an actor, playing a part.”

The Doctor said, “Sorry to disappoint you, but he is a real pirate.  From the Caribbean.  Around 1700.  Pickled in rum.”

“Cheers” said Captain Jack Sparrow, when he noticed all eyes were upon him.  He raised his glass.  “I’d give a toast, but my mug is empty.”  He waved it around, displaying its prominent lack of fullness.

“Would you like another beer?” asked Mulder, feeling out of his depth.  He was used to aliens.  Time travellers were something rare and wonderful.

“Rum, if you would be so kind,” said the pirate.

A bottle of dark rum was procured, along with a plate of chips and a burger.  Jack Sparrow hadn’t eaten so well in weeks.  He smiled beatifically, and let the other men get on with the conversation.  The Doctor was drinking Guinness, the only British beer available; Harkness was drinking umechu; while Mulder was nursing a vodka and orange and nibbling sunflower seeds.  Secretly, Jack Harkness had hoped to get Mulder tipsy, but he was finding it an uphill battle. Mulder wasn’t a teetotaller – but he wasn’t a big drinker, either, as he liked to remain in control.

Another reason the other men weren’t eating was that Sparrow reeked like a lion.  The smell put them off the idea of eating, although Jack Harkness did find it sexually stimulating.  (Then again, the omnisexual Jack found everything sexually stimulating.)

Mulder was feeling very happy, a most unusual sensation for him.  He knew that Jack was able to regenerate, that was how they had met, for Mulder had been investigating the rumours of an immortal.  And now he was socialising with a time-traveller and an alien; Mulder hadn’t yet realised that the two-hearted Doctor and Jack Harkness were also a time travellers.  Could life get any better?

“So why are you looking for me, Doctor?” asked ‘the other’ Jack.  “I know this isn’t just a social call.  It never is.”  He tried to keep the disappointment out of his voice, and succeeded.

“Oh, this is a ripper,” said the Doctor.  “I think Mulder is going to be able to help us with this.”

Jack Harkness flashed his super-white teeth.  “The fate of the world is a stake?”

“Of course.”

“There is a risk of certain death?”

“Well, for everyone but you.  Yes.”

“Lots of running around after monsters?

“As always.”

Harkness turned to Mulder and said, “Well, are you in?”

Mulder laughed.  “There isn’t any way you could count me out!”

“Wonderful!” said the Doctor.  “I think that the Rani has created a clone of the Master, and somehow given it the Master’s memories.”

The Rani tuned her TARDIS and its chameleon circuit, seeking something both elegant and decorative.  The Rani preferred not to fade into the background.  She chose a wardrobe – a great, big, wooden affair that could have been the doorway to Narnia.  It went well with the semi-Gothic furniture of her most recent hideaway, a Victorian-style brick house in Melbourne.  The Victorians hadn’t heard of built-ins, and what difference would the presence of another wardrobe make to décor?

“Where have you hidden my TARDIS?”  asked a smooth voice from shadows of an overstuffed armchair.

“All in good time, dear one,” said the Rani.  She glanced at herself in a mirror, and ran her fingers through her hair.  Her current body was nearing the end of its usefulness, as she was becoming too old to be really attractive.  She would soon have to force a regeneration upon herself, which was never pleasant.  However, that wouldn’t be today.  She was too busy to take the time away from her current project.

The Master watched her preen.  As he hadn’t actually regenerated, he was still in his Harold Saxon form, young, handsome, and urbane.  He was aware that he had fought the Doctor and lost, and that the Rani had ‘saved’ him.  He wondered if he was meant to be grateful, when all he felt was overwhelming resentment.  He hated the Rani.  However, if she wasn’t lying, she had his laser screwdriver and his TARDIS hidden away.  He needed them, and that was more important than taking his revenge on the upstart.

Still, he would have his revenge.  Eventually…

The Rani turned and smiled at him.  She could make a good guess at what he was thinking.

“I have good news for you,” she said.

The Master sneered, “Have you?  Something else to dangle over me like a sword of Damocles?”

“I think this news may help alter that attitude.  The Doctor is looking for you.”

The Master paused.  The Doctor was his other half.  There was a Middle Eastern saying that every man should have one perfect lover, one perfect friend, and one perfect enemy.  The Master wanted the Doctor to be all of these, and more.  He wanted to torture him, kiss him, bring him to his knees and then tie him to a bed.  If the Rani was to know how much he desired the Doctor, she would use it as another lever to bend the Master to her will.

“The Doctor is mine,” he said.  His tone was calm, almost remote.

“I must disagree.  I have my own agenda where the Doctor is concerned.  You are my bait.  Once he comes for you, and I have him, I will allow you to leave in your TARDIS.”  The Rani smoothed her hands over her hips, displaying her venom-red fingernails.  “You needn’t fret about the Doctor.  Once I have him in my laboratory, he will never trouble you again.”

The Master shuddered.  He never wanted to see the inside of her lab again.  Cloning – as performed by the Rani – was not like being born, or even going through a regeneration.  He had itched and burned and suffered for weeks on end, as the Rani had sculpted him out of a mass of raw protoplasm.

There was no way he would leave the Doctor to the tender mercies of the Rani.  If anyone was going to kill the Doctor, it was going to be the Master!

Harkness had managed to convince Jack Sparrow to take a bath.  He had hired three prostitutes to take Sparrow into a hot tube and scrub the pirate with soap; the hot tube in the cathouse came with a peephole.  Jack Sparrow had enjoyed the process of getting clean immensely, and so had Jack Harkness.  Sparrow was aware that Harkness was watching, and it didn’t worry him.

Captain Jack Sparrow was a people person.  He liked them that liked him.

The pirate’s clothes were still unwashed, but they had been aired and sprayed with disinfectant.  Jack Sparrow found the pine-fresh smell a nice change from the usual smells of salt and sweat and tar.  And he had managed to procure another bottle of dark rum.

While Jack and Jack were bonding, Mulder was helping the Doctor track down the Rani.  He was using his computer to create a contour map of disappearances within the city.  The Rani would need specimens for her biological experiments, and she wasn’t terribly worried by local laws or human ethics.  Sometimes, she would make some attempt to disguise her predation by collecting victims of violence or disease…but only when she needed large numbers of specimens.  The Doctor was certain that if there had been any escalation in missing persons, the Rani would be responsible.

The map targeted a small suburb near the docks.  Once, it had been a rich suburb with elegant houses, but as the city grew the area had lost favour with the rich and most of the houses were now converted into flats or shops.

“That’s a rough area,” said Mulder. “The disappearances have been put down to battles for turf by drug lords or gangs.”

“That’s why we know it is the Rani.  She likes to mask her activities,” said the Doctor, as he leant over Mulder’s shoulder to peer at the screen.  The Doctor was wearing his glasses; Mulder hadn’t realised that aliens might be short-sighted.  The Doctor continued on, “By the time the numbers of the missing get to a point where the authorities realise something is sadly amiss, she will have moved on to a new location.”

Mulder nodded.  “Okay.  Say you’re right.  What now?”

“That’s your call.  I’d advise against calling in the local police, as the Rani would have no problems with killing them.  And I don’t want to step on your toes, as a representative of your government.  But I have come up against the Rani before, and beaten her.”  The Doctor stood back up and tidied his reading glasses away.

Mulder said, “Well. If you think we can do this on our own … let’s get physical.”

The two Jacks walked in, carrying boxes of takeaway noodles in cardboard boxes.

“Any luck?” said Harkness.  He was wearing his cat-has-eaten-the-canary smile.  “Mine’s been looking up.”

The Doctor grinned back.  “Yep.  We’ll have to rush dinner.  We have work to do.”

“Work?  I don’t do work,” said Captain Jack Sparrow.

“What?  And miss out on all the fun?” said the Doctor.

Mulder eyed off the pirate’s clothes.  “Seriously, you will have to change.  I’ll lend you something of mine; I always carry a couple of spare changes in case something comes up.”

Harkness said, “I love it when you talk dirty.”

Mulder blushed.

There was a strange contrast between the man and his outfit.  The outfit was impeccably and crisply tailored, however it was darkly neutral in colour and didn’t call attention to itself.  Whereas the man was all flamboyance in both looks and gesture, with a mass of decorated dreadlocks clattering down his back.  Sparrow looked like a bohemian artist who had decided to follow stockbroking as his new career.

Jack Harkness loved the pirate’s new look.  It was edgy and individualistic.  His own outfit was his usual greatcoat over canvas pants, and he had added a thick navy-blue jumper.  Blue brought out his eyes.

It was likely that the Doctor or Jack Harkness would be recognised by the new Master.  So it was decided to send Mulder and Jack Sparrow to scout for the Rani’s lab, to lessen the chances of alerting the Rani and the Master.  Nobody was too keen on sending Jack Sparrow, including the pirate – but no one wanted to send Mulder off on his own, either.

“Did I mention that I’m a coward?” said Jack Sparrow.  “I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

Jack Harkness patted the pirate on the butt.  “Normally, those words would be music to my ears.  However, we don’t want you to fight.  In fact, as soon as you have located the Rani, we want you to run away from her.”

“And why can’t I take my rum?”

The Doctor shook his head.  “We can’t risk having you fall down when running away,” he said.  “It’s just a precaution.  You can have as much punch as you like when you are safe again.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Let’s get this over with quickly then.  Are you ready to go, Mulder?”

The government agent was checking his gun and the sonic screwdriver that the Doctor had given him.  “I’m ready when you are.”

The two men strolled down the seedy streets, with a salt-laden mist creeping in from the docks.  The streets were empty, when they should have been alive with kids on skateboards, ladies of questionable virtue, druggies, beggars, junk and antique dealers, lost Mormons, and other despairing souls.  Most of the houses were derelict or neglected, waiting for the trendies to rediscover the area and do them up.

One house was being restored, and there were many powerlines feeding into it.  That fact alone would have been suspicious.  However, it had an extensive array of satellite dishes and antennae as well.

Mulder called the Doctor, keeping his cell phone close to his lips to muffle his speech and obscure his mouth.

“We think we have found our target.”

“Good.  Tell Jack he can run away anytime he likes,” said the Doctor’s voice.

Jack Sparrow, skittish and bumbling, was gazing over Mulder’s shoulder, his expression increasingly horrified.  It took Mulder a moment to register, and then he turned to see what was frightening the pirate.

“Hey, Doc.  Did you mention that your old girlfriend liked to make monsters?”

“No.  But she does do biological experiments.”

“Well, she’s branched out,” said Mulder drily.  Looming over him was a construct, a meld of both man and machine.  It reached out with its talons…

“Dead or alive, you are coming with me,” it boomed.

“I don’t think so,” muttered Mulder, as he pointed the sonic screwdriver at the monstrosity, and then pressed the button.  There was a high pitched whine, and the construct groaned, “Brain the size of a small planet, and they still expect me to be an errand boy.  Well they can stuff that for a joke.”  It clumped off into the curling mist.

“Brilliant,” said Jack Sparrow.  “Absolutely brilliant.  I thought we were goners for sure.”  He lurched closer to Mulder, for safety’s sake.

“Well, you certainly didn’t get that toy on Earth,” drawled a disembodied female voice.  The Rani was nearly hidden by the fog and shadows; only hints of crimson glinted to indicate her presence.

“No,” said Mulder, and aimed the screwdriver at the rogue timelord, “This isn’t of Earth manufacture.  Neither are you, if I’m not mistaken.”

“There is no use in firing that at me, as I’m of flesh and blood.  No instrument of the Doctor’s would be designed to harm people.”

Mulder smiled without humour. “Not like your pet.”

“Ooooh.  That was ugly, that was,” said Jack, shuddering.

The Rani stepped out of the shadows.  In the poor light, she appeared to be a more than beautiful woman with flaming red hair, red talons, tight red dress, thigh-high red boots.  “I will have to congratulate the Doctor when I see him.  His companions are usually shrill female humans.  I much prefer his taste in men.”

Mulder went to reach for his gun, but the Master stepped up from behind the FBI agent and snatched it away.

“Naughty,” said the Master.  “You shouldn’t play with guns.”

“I have a sword,” announced Jack Sparrow.  He reached for his weapon, and then remembered he wasn’t wearing his usual clothing.  “Damn!  I had a sword.  Honest.”

“And I have a death ray,” said the Rani.  “I do believe I win.  Follow me, gentlemen.”

The Master wondered if he was now surplus to requirements, now that the Rani has secured the Doctor’s companions.  Probably not.  The Doctor would seek the Master out; it was their destiny to be together.  The Rani would not assassinate the Master until she was certain of destroying her old enemy.

The two companions were a bit of a surprise, in his opinion.  It gave him hope.  Recently, the Doctor had favoured female companions, or young boys; it had been years since the doctor had a proper man for a companion.  These two were grown men, handsome and virile.  The Master felt he too had to admire the Doctor’s taste.

Captain Jack Sparrow was a one step behind in current events.  He wasn’t sure if the Rani was a good or bad person, but he was impressed by her dominatrix boots.

“So, my lady.  Who’se your cobbler, then?”

The Rani glared at Jack, but her expression softened when she realised he wasn’t making a joke.  And, after all, he had incredible cheekbones … and he appeared to be tipsy, which made him less of a threat.

“Why?  Are you into leather?”

Jack nodded.  “I like boots.  The fancier the better: cuffs, laces or straps, a little heel.  Something with a bit of style.”

The Rani smiled.  Maybe she wouldn’t have to kill this human.  The Master was a bit of a prig, and she could do with a minion that liked the same things she did.  Maybe she could keep Jack as a pet?

Mulder stalked along with his hands behind his head, in the classic ‘I’m unarmed and being held captive’ position.  The Master walked a pace behind him, with Mulder’s own gun trained upon the FBI agent.  Mulder was disgusted with himself for letting Jack down, as well as the Doctor and Jack Harkness.  There had to be some way to rescue the situation.

Inside the house, Rani led them all down to the basement, down to her lab.  Like all the best mad scientists, she had huge vats bubbling away, lots of intricate glassware, and mysterious instruments with lots of flashing lights.  The Master shuddered, as he had already seen too much of this dreadful place.

There was a cage, of course.  Mulder and Jack were locked inside of it.  Rani toyed with the idea of making them strip down, using a weapons search as an excuse, but it was chilly in the basement.  Gooseflesh is so unattractive; and the men were rather nicely dressed.

“Now we wait,” said Rani.

The Master had been avoiding the lab, but now that he had the opportunity to look around, he noticed the cage was of classic dungeon design, with thick, black, iron bars.  Interesting.  Everything else in the lab was crisply modernistic.

“I’m surprised I’m not in that cage with the other bait,” remarked the Master.

The Rani gestured to the primitive cage.  “You are a timelord.  I would not risk putting you anywhere less than a sealed vault, with as many armoured warning devices as I could build into it, preferably under several metres of cement.  And then I would rather it was in a different galaxy.  I’m safer if you are where I can see you.”

“I’m flattered.”

“Don’t be.  I’ve taken sensible precautions to obtain your cooperation, but I know you have no personal affection for me…even though I am the last female of our kind.”

The Master looked thoughtful at her comment.  “That is true.  And even though you have regenerated, as a genius in the biological sciences…”  An expression of dawning horror pervaded his face.  “Do you still have my DNA?”

“Of course.”

“You don’t want your revenge on the Doctor.  You want his DNA.  You’re setting up a timelord cloning programme!”

“I’m surprised it took you this long to figure it out,” drawled the Rani.  “I’m not going to stand back and see our proud race disappear.”

The Master said, “You could have just asked, you know.”

“What?  How? You were dead!  And the Doctor would never agree to a second relationship with me; we have too much history.”

Jack Sparrow peered through the iron bars, feeling almost at home in such a prison; he seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time locked up.  The floor show was shaping up nicely.  Now, if only he had something to drink.

“Anyway,” continued the Rani, “At no point have I ever thought to myself, ‘Sex with the Master. What a good idea.’”

“The feeling is mutual.”

“Of course it is.”

Everyone went silent as the implications of the last comment sunk in.  The two villains glared at each other.

“You know, I think I’d prefer to be in the cage than out here with you,” said the Master, his voice frigid.

The Rani grimaced.  “Maybe you are right.”  She unlocked the cage, and the Master stepped inside.

Mulder stepped mockingly aside for the Master.  “I guess your kind don’t breed well in captivity.”

“What do you mean by ‘my kind’?’ asked the Master, his whole stance threatening violence.

“Aliens,” said Mulder.

“Nancy boys,” said Jack.  He smiled weakly as both Mulder and the Master gave him disgusted looks.  “I just wanted to be seen as willing to join the conversation,”

The Master turned his back on both of them.  “I’ve changed my mind.  I don’t want to share this cage with these insects.”

The Rani stamped her foot.  “Well, I’m not letting you out again.”

“I refuse to be incarcerated with lice.”

“Fine!  Have it your way!” snapped the Rani.  She grabbed a gun, and pointed it at Mulder and Jack as she unlocked the cage again.  “Right.  If either of you two give me any trouble, I’ll make certain that you will need to use cloning to procreate.  Do I make myself clear?”

Mulder said, ‘Perfectly.”

Jack, on the other hand, had no idea what cloning meant.  “Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.  I’m not so clear.”

The Rani smiled grimly.  “I will shoot your balls off.”

“Oh.  Right.  Got it,” said Jack.  He hastily stepped behind Mulder.

From the cage, there was an evil chuckle.  “How very like that story by Edgar Allan Poe.  If you want to hide something, keep it in plain sight.  Nice try, my dear.  Tell the Doctor I’m sorry to have missed him this time round.”

There were strange noises coming from the cage, rather like the grinding of giant cogs, and as the Rani and the men watched, it faded from sight.  The Master had found his TARDIS.

There was a brief, stunned silence.

“That was rather stupid, don’t you think?” said the Doctor.  He strolled down the laboratory stairs, with Jack Harkness one step behind him.  Jack was carrying an impressive gun.

The Rani burst into tears.  The Doctor stood frozen, shocked by her response.

“All I wanted to do was s-s-save the timelord race,” sobbed the Rani. “I…I…I c-couldn’t bear the thought of our extinction.”

“Oh.  Oh right,” spluttered the Doctor.  He held a large white handkerchief out to the Rani.  The Rani reached out for it, and her talons scraped the Doctor’s skin as she grabbed at it.  She wiped her eyes, blew her nose long and noisily, and then offered to return the handkerchief.

“No. You keep it,” said the Doctor.

“You’re too kind,” said the Rani.  “Really, you are much too kind.”

She stepped back two paces, and disappeared into the back of one of the bubbling vats.  Again, there was the sound of straining gears enormously, and the vat faded out of the site.  The Rani had changed her TARDIS into another shape. She obviously didn’t trust the Master.

“Was that what was supposed to happen?” asked Jack Sparrow.

“I don’t think so,” said Mulder.

Harkness grinned.  “Well.  The Rani is gone, and I doubt she will be back again.  No more missing citizens!”

“Yes,” said the Doctor.  “But now I know to keep an eye out for her, and the Master.  But before I start hunting them down, I’d best return Captain Jack Sparrow to his own time.”

Jack Sparrow thought hard for a moment, swaying.  “Can I have a drink before I go?”

“I think we can arrange that,” said the Doctor.

Meanwhile, the Rani was carefully cleaning the tissue from under her nails, and putting it into a nurturing solution.  Now she had a sample of the Doctor’s DNA…

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